I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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