Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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