Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
