guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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