Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
