It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i came on her dog
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
