I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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