Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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