I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just puked most of my soul out..
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