You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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