Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
