i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
