Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
