Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
