My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
