Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
