Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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