Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
