worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
