if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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