What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
