I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
