you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
