he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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