Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My vagina is officially offended.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
