She tied me up with her honor cords...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
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GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.