I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it