Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
