How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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