I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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