she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
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Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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