Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Couch. On fire.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
