Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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