Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
