remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
