I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
