i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
