whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
