Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
