The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
