My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
