And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
