did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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