i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
