i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
