made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
