WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
