honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
