Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he was CRYING into my vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
