is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
