Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
