You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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