I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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