hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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