we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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