i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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